Dear Ol Dad


Dear Ol Dad

Before I drop this viewpoint on all you good folks let me be clear as to who I am. I am not a professional medical person, I have no formal training that would result in the following.  I am a father, a grandfather, and a great grandfather. In my immediate family there are 24 females that consist of my wife, daughters, granddaughters, great granddaughters, a sister and 2 sisters-in-law.  (There are also 16 males) The following is strictly my opinion and is not based on any scientific study.  It is based on observations and my beliefs developed over the years.

An average of 60,000 children 12 and under and 321,500 general public over 12 are the victims of sexual assault each year in the United States. That’s nearly 400K people.  More than 90% are female.

Every 98 seconds someone is sexually assaulted. That’s every minute and a half? 1 in 5 women rape victims contemplate or attempt suicide. 94% experience PTSD for 2 weeks after, and 30% experience PTSD up to 9 months after.  Since 1998 there have been 17,700,000 rapes in the US. 7 in 10 victims are raped by someone they know.

All of these statistics are according to RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National network), and the Huffington Post.

Women have had a hard time over the years becoming recognized as human beings.

In 1718 the State of Pennsylvania made it legal for married women to own and manage property, but only if their spouse was incapacitated.  Other states followed, one by one, into the late 1800’s.  Some states allowed women to own property in case the spouse was incapacitated, but not manage the property.  Own but not manage?

In 1855 the University of Iowa became the first public or state university to become co-educational. It wasn’t until the late 1800’s that women were given separate economy, and control of their earnings.

On August 18, 1920 the 19th Amendment was ratified and women were allowed to vote. The effort to obtain women voting rights began in 1848 – it took 72 years fighting for that right.

In 1963 the Equal Rights Amendment was ratified, and in 1967 LBJ signed Executive Order No. 1135 that banned sexual discrimination in hiring.  Over the next 4 or 5 decades there have been numerous laws passed, changes made, victories gained.  As recently as this year the Saudi’s have finally allowed women to drive automobiles.

So, what is my point? I’m not advocating for women’s rights here, there are those much more qualified for that than I am, but I do fully support it.  I am not quoting sexual assault statistics for sensationalism, so what is the point.  It’s simple – “Men Are Pigs.”

The treatment of women historically has been to make them feel subservient, chattels, property, and a lot of that attitude still exists today. There are many “pigs” in our society that contend women are to love, honor, and obey their husbands. They are only to have children, take care of the house, and have dinner on the table after the husband’s hard day at the office.  And that attitude is passed down to the sons by example, spoken word, attitudes, and/or actions.

Okay, so again, what’s the point?  Some boy’s attitudes and treatment of women are the direct result of the father.  Yes – the father, mainly the father.  Maybe the grandfather too, or an uncle or cousin. It certainly is influenced by other boys at school and in the locker room, but the blame is mainly and directly on the shoulders of a father.

Think about it.  Hey guys, where and how did you learn about sex? Were you told, instructed, enlightened by your father, or were you let go into the world, totally devoid of knowledge, to find out for yourself? Did you listen to the older boys brag about their conquests, and how “all the girls really wanted it.” Did you read Playboy magazine, or Hustler magazine or a book? Did you learn that sex was nothing more than wham, bam, thank you ma’m – and then go brag to your friends?

Did you learn in school? Did they have sex education classes? In my case the sex education class was taught by a Catholic priest. A Catholic priest? What the hell would he know about it?  All he did was to show charts of the anatomy, and describe the purpose of the body parts.  Excuse me, there is way more to it than that.

Okay let’s get back to fathers, and grandfathers.  My father never gave me one word of information or advice about sex.  Knowing his father, the same was true.  Why? I think a whole lot has to do with religion – you just don’t talk about it – sex is only for reproduction, nothing else. I say bullshit!

Consensual sex between two mature people is one of the most pleasurable, fulfilling, and unselfish behaviors one can experience.

Non-consensual sex is the most despicable, cowardly, damaging, and selfish behavior one can imagine.

In my opinion it’s primarily the responsibility of the father to educate his son, or sons, in the right and wrongs of sex.  It is his duty to teach that forcing yourself on another human being is wrong, and damaging to them. It is equally wrong to take advantage of someone that is vulnerable, or compromised. It is his obligation to make his sons understand that sexual assault is wrong.  The female is a human being and deserves the same respect as he, the father does, and the mother, and the siblings, and the relatives and the friends, and even the strangers.

The father should tell the sons the real facts about sex, how good it is, how sharing it is, and how a healthy sexual relationship can enhance self-worth, esteem and admiration. A son needs to know what it is to physically satisfy their partner, what it is that demeans or insults their partner.  There should be open and honest discussions between fathers and son, just like talking about baseball, or politics, or fishing, or whatever..  Is that not better than learning to get a sensation shinning up a pole, or looking at pictures in magazines, or listening to a buddy, or a braggart?

In my opinion male sexual assaults on females are the direct result of ignorance, and curiosity.  Ignorance because they don’t know any better, weren’t taught, and curiosity because young boys reaching puberty have feelings, sensations and thoughts they don’t understand and they are left on their own to find out.

I recognize there are mentally ill males out there that rape and murder, but that is a separate subject.  This narrative addresses the boy that gets caught up in the “man talk,” or the crowd mentality.  I’m talking about the boys, and men who are not taught by their fathers.  Think of Cosby or more recently Weinstein, or the President of the United States who wasn’t taught by his father Fred who should have said, “it is not proper to grab a women’s p – – – –  ever, under any circumstances.”

I’ll bet there are some out there that will ask – “how about mothers and daughters, you skipped them.”  No, I didn’t skip them. I intentionally directed these remarks to males, fathers and sons. Men are Pigs, I am a man and I want today’s generation of males, and those to come after to stop abusing women sexually, it’s cowardly, it’s wrong and you  need to stop being pigs!

Should fathers talk about intimacy with daughters? Should mothers talk to sons about intimacy?  I don’t know – what do you think?

Where do we start? The vast majority of males existing today were not instructed by their fathers, so they don’t know.  How do I expect them to teach their sons if they don’t know? Well I would like to believe that most fathers have a sense of decency that they can pass on. If you have had a sexual relationship, if you’ve fathered a son you know what I’m talking about – so start, and pass it on. Right now you all are doing a poor and inadequate job of helping sons make correct decisions about girls and women. Help them boost dignity and respectability.  Teach them there is never, ever, a valid reason to assault another human being for any reason, especially a female and especially sexually.  Stop it. Stop being a pig and become a man.






Author: aviewolf

An old retiree struggling to deal with life in today's world.